I just want to scream, scream forever — and then I want to disappear, go away where no one knows me. I want to live on the coast of Brazil. I want to visit Machu Picchu. I want to sleep under the aurora borealis. I want to run with gazelles. I want to swim with seals. I want to live.
I’m tired of the grind. Tired of dealing with all the mundane stress. What makes this worth anything? The arbitrary ideal of a nation, that’s who. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I’m tired of trying to figure out how to leave a 2 year relationship that’s turned into a monster of so many things. Mostly of pain, of fear, and of inconsistency. I’m tired of worrying about hurting others. Hurting those I care about. I just want to tell them the truth but I can’t, because it’ll hurt.
I wish I had had people to teach me these things. How to not only be strong but to stay that way. Learning on your own is always harder. I just want to be done with it all already. Every time I think I’ve found the right way, the answer to my question, I run into another dead end within the maze. It is so frustrating. I don’t like running to my friends, they will eventually tire of my problems. That’s one thing I hate about CA, I’ve never had that problem in WA, my friends there are always there for me, and me for them — here it’s like if you say too much then they just leave you to your own devices. It’s happened to me before, and I really don’t want to deal with it again.
So here I sit. Stranded.
I am driving myself up a wall. Constantly waking up from sex dreams involving me and mr. philosophy. It makes me feel so guilty. Ugh, wtf. Today I took my ring off before class so I wouldn’t feel so guilty for how much I just want to be on him. And yet, somehow, taking it off made it that much worse. por queeeeeeeeeeeee!
earth-song: Wonderful Silver red fox (vulpes vulpes, liska obecna) from the Czech Republic.
I have a test tomorrow andddddd two papers due in 2 weeks, one’s a 10pager and the other an easy 5. I am not motivated to do either, looks like winter really is setting in. HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU COME UP WITH A THESIS STATEMENT FOR A PAPER THAT IS “critically analyzing the modernist era of poetry” with 2 different poets? I mean…c’mon if you’re going to give me a random ass “topic” at least make it more concrete than that. That just makes my brain hurt even more.
The philosophy paper should be easy enough, but man I seriously don’t feel like doing anything.
Ugh, I just want to drink hot cocoa and read the Sword of Truth series, because this school bs is getting OLLLLD
Oh, I played footsies with my eye candy in philosophy today C: totally an accident, but totally a happy one. Maybe I should go to that “philosophy club” meeting tomorrow night……….. (;
